Ive been asked to compile some Dilbert advice for new graduates who have no idea whats awaiting them in the business world. Im talking about practical advice. Here are some of the ones that come to mind.
The person who sits nearest the bosss office gets the most assignments.
Your potential for senior management will be determined by the three Hs: Hair, Height, and Harvard degree. You need at least two out of three. (Non-Harvard schools will be acceptable if its clear that you “could have gone” to Harvard.)
Your hard work will be rewarded. Specifically, your bosss boss will reward your boss for making you work so hard.
Theres no such thing as good ideas and bad ideas. There are only your own ideas and other peoples. If you want someone to like your idea, tell him he said it last week and you just remembered.
Teamwork is what you call it when you trick other people into ignoring their priorities in favor of yours.
Leadership is a form of evil. No one needs to lead you to do something that is obviously good for you.
You can estimate the time for any project by multiplying the number of idiots involved by one week and adding the number of capable co-workers times four weeks. (The competent ones are busier.)
In any group of three coworkers, at least one of them will be a sadistic loser intent on grabbing your ankle as he circles the drain.
Non-monetary incentives are every bit as valuable as they sound.
Business success is mostly about waiting for something lucky to happen and then taking credit.
Preparing a Powerpoint presentation will give you the sweet, sweet illusion of productivity.
It is better to be an “expert” than it is to do actual work.
The first month on any new job should be spent talking smack about the “idiot who had the job before you.”
Do you have any advice youd like to add? (It might end up in a book.)